Ephesus, Thursday 24th January, 2008

Ephesus

15-17 Rose La

Norwich

NR1 1PL

01603 625505

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Generally speaking, takeaway comes in two incarnations. There are the places that cook the food that you are incapable of cooking, that have the expertise, that have the passion and the best ingredients. Then there are the places that cook because you can't be bothered to. They don't have the expertise, they don't really have the passion or the ingredients either. They're a bit souless, but it' a niche market and they know their customer base. Ephesus is a member of the latter. It is the soup kitchen of takeaways, the establishment catering for the lazy cooks on a shoe string budget, who pay with change they've made from the shrapnel in their pockets. The whole experience was just unbelievably average. The menu was average, the delivery time was average, and the food? Yes, that was average too. It was takeaway by numbers, the kind of place that endeavours to entice you with a variety of ghastly 'meal deals' involving gateaux, chocolate sundaes and various other unecessary side orders to mask the difficiencies of their core product. The pizza itself was clearly a product of the pizza-o-matic machine. A frozen, oily, greasy base sent down the conveyor belt for twelve minutes with no love, attention, or evidence of herbs or seasoning. The upside to this, is that Ephesus is ludicrously cheap. These sort of establishments are ten a penny in Norwich, and if they can't provide good food, then attractive prices are pivotal to their survival. Buy one get one free on all pizzas make it excellent value, but it isn't as if these bottom end pizzarias are all that rare, and higher quality ones are not generally a great deal more expensive. Frankly your tastebuds deserve better.

The Riverbank Chinese Buffet, Monday 28th January, 2008

Riverbank Chinese Buffet
Norwich
Norfolk
NR1 1ED
United Kingdom
01603 612323


I'd done it. Somehow it had happened. I'd convinced my girlfriend that an 'all you can eat Chinese buffet' was a plausible solution to our midday pangs of hunger. How this had happened was really anybody's guess. The phrase 'all you can eat' is one which invariably triggers a sense of challenge to the self respect of any 21st century man. Of course there are no real winners, but every visit is always greeted with fresh, albeit brief, hope and revitalised enthusiasm. The Riverbank Chinese Buffet sits in the midst of the riverside development which has taken a rather servere turn for the worst since part of it began to show signs of iminently sinking in to the river. Frankly, the tedium of bowling and slot machines make the risk of severe flooding look like it would improve the excitement factor no end, thoughts not shared by the county council.

Six pounds fifty for lunch may seem like good value for money considering it gives you free licence to gourge yourself on noodles for three hours. On the other hand, how often do you really eat four plates of food, plus desert, for lunch? It's really all relative. On the one hand, yes, you're getting a lot more food for not a great deal more money, but since it's food you wouldn't have eaten anyway, is it really the bargain it seems? The room is filled with a combination of the disorientated elderly, hungry students, and a variety of people who look like extras from homeowner loan adverts taking a break from consolodating all their debts in to one easy monthly payments. None of them look particularly, well, happy. They all appear either forced to be there, or as if they have nowhere else to go.

The interior was spacious, if a little souless. Rows of identical tables, surrounded by eggshell blue walls adorned with laminate Chinese lettering glued to them with good intention, but done with so little care as to demonstrate that the Riverbank buffet is very much a volume business. There's no foreplay, no time to savour the atmosphere or enjoy the view. It's down to business. The food is good, some of it could do with being hotter, and the vat of curry sauce looks a little ominous. It has a skin. Frankly, it shouldn't. The tapkenyaki is very tasty, and although there aren't really enough variations of raw ingredients to make it worth choosing them in advance and then having them cooked in front of you, it is a nice touch and does look impressive.

In reality, the Riverbank leaves you with a simple choice. Pay £6.50 to gorge yourself with noodles for as long as your tormented stomach will allow, or pay a premium for more desirable surroundings and more elequent dining. But where does the costcutting stop? Why don't we all just discard cutlery altogether, and eat with our hands out of one big, communal trough and shave another pound from the cost? Or better still, negate the trough and eat off the floor until someone rises from the mound of assorted dishes, proclaims that enough is enough, and asks what we have all become? After all, what, in essence, is the point of eating out? It's the ambience, the atmosphere, the company. Surely binging like the island dwellers of Lost finally getting off the island, and tasting food on the mainland again for the first time is somewhat missing the point, isn't it? It's hard to fault the Riverside's value for money, it's eagerness to please or it's hospitality. It just fundamentally misses the point, and it's clientel of the absurdly obsese, disorientated elderly, and hungry students appear to reflect it.